meh

I don't understand why I am so afraid of getting better, but I am. I can't let myself have a good weekend. It terrifies me. I did last weekend and it just did not go over well with me; I ended up power walking for like a half hour on Monday. And I would've gone longer if I could have. Katie talked to Lisa on Friday and she said that Lisa said if I had a good weekend and my weight didn't drop then we could start lowering my calories this week. Well that's probably not going to happen now. I missed a ton of calories yesterday. I skipped lunch, most of afternoon snack, and a little bit of night snack. I missed1044 calories. That's a little over a third of what I should have had. And after dinner and the carrot cake last night (it was my dad's birthday), it was really tempting to exercise. I called Meredith when we got home tho (we had dinner and cake at my grandma's) and so that distracted me long enough. It didn't make the desire go away completely, but it helped take the edge off. I really need to have a good day today though because I don't want my calories raised. Katie says me weight has come to a plateau soI guess I'm not on weight gain any more. But if my calories get raised from one bad weekend, then I'm obviously going to gain more weight. And I sure as hell don't want that. So I'm hoping that yesterday didn't screw me over. It's so difficult though. Talking with Katie has brought up a lot of emotions, so I am feeling them a lot, but at the same time trying to repress them. Which I know I need to stop doing. But it's just so uncomfortable. And my immediate reaction is to push them away--to restrict or exercise or use self-harm. I haven't done any self-harm in almost a year, but it is getting increasingly harder. I think learning how to allow myself to feel these emotions is going to be key in overcoming my eating disorder. That and learning how to communicate--and not be afraid to do it. Especially when it comes to w/in the family. I really hope I'm able to get through my fear of having a good weekend. Of getting better. Of letting go of the eating disorder. I want to live my life w/o this wretched thing. It's just so scary to think of not having it after it's been a part of me for so long. I don't know.

song

Anna Nalick - Shine lyrics

Oh the night makes you a star
And it holds you cold in its arms
You’re the one to whom nobody verses I love you
Unless you say it first
So you lie there holding your breath
And its strange how soon you forget
That you’re like stars
They only show up when it’s dark
Cause they don’t know their worth

And I think you need to stop following misery’s lead
Shine away shine away shine away
Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are
We’re all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that’s who you are
And you’ve only begun to shine

There are times when the poets and pornstars align and
You won’t know who to believe in
Well that’s a good time to be leavin’
And the past knocks on your door
And throws stones at your window at 4 in the morning
Well maybe he thinks it’s romantic
He’s crazy but you knew that before

And I think you need to stop following misery’s lead
Shine away Shine away Shine away
Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are
We’re all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that’s who you are
And you’ve only begun to shine

Yeah you’ve only begun to shine
Won’t you shine shine shine shine over shadow
Shine shine shine shine over shadow
Shine shine shine shine over

And I think you need to stop following misery’s lead
Shine away Shine away Shine away
Isn’t it time you got over how fragile you are
We’re all waiting
Waiting on your supernova
Cause that’s who you are
And you’ve only begun to shine

Yeah you’ve only begun to shine
Yeah you’ve only begun to shine
Yeah you’ve only begun to shine



Song lyrics | Shine lyrics

oi

I am so stressed out. I'm actually fucking having to deal with shit this time around at CS bc I actually have a good individual therapist who actually makes me talk about shit. My calories have been raised to 3,000. I am having a hell of a time not exercising. Thank God my family session had to be moved to next Thursday, but nevertheless I'm still going to have it. And there's school. Lab practical tomorrow. First Aid final Thursday. A&P written final next Wednesday. Another paper for English. I can't deal with all this stress. I need to exercise or use self-harm. It's the only way I know how to deal with this much stress and anxiety that actually relieves it. Talking to Sr. Tina Marie on the bus ride home helped for a little while, but the feeling is rising again. I am really afraid that I am going to fall back to self-injury again. This is just too hard!!!

kill me

i had my first family session today at centre syracuse and let's just say i never want to have another one again! i love my individual therapist there and we're working really well together, and we talked about some things that we thought we should bring up at the family session today, but despite katie (my individual therapist) and karen (the family therapist, who also is good) being there to help out, i couldn't get myself to talk much at all. i practically shut down. and some of the time i felt like my dad was just being really fake and my parents were just saying stuff that was so inaccurate and i just wanted to get up and leave. so anyways that was the worst hour of my day today. and i have another one next thursday. kill me now.

I am such a nerd

I just looked at the syllabus for my Intro to Physics & Chemistry course for next semester, and I'm like, I think I'm going to like this. Man, something must be seriously wrong with me lol. Never in my life prior to last semester would I ever have imagined LIKING science!

argh

I cannot deal with the weight gain. I just can't. I can't deal with the fact that I am not as thin as I was before. I don't know how I'm ever going to get through Centre Syracuse if I can't accept the weight gain. I know I should call someone or do something to distract myself rather than exercise...but I just can't deal with the fact that I'm putting on weight. It scares me and it pisses me off. It's just not okay. I didn't get all my calories in yesterday. I was 162.5 short. Today's not looking too promising either, as I forgot my menu at CS and I can't just use yesterday's because my snack was one of those Friend-z things from Friendly's. Obviously if I tried hard enough to get it all in I could, but 2600 calories is awfully hard to get in without a meal plan. I am going to die if my calories get raised again tomorrow. I wish I could be okay with the weight gain. Continually exercising is only going to prolong my stay. I need to cut this out. But I can't deal with the weight gain. But I have no choice; I have to gain the weight. This is all so stupid. I shouldn't have such an issue with it. No one else cares. But I just look at myself and my stomach just looks so huge now. I can't see my ribs and collarbones as much now. Which I know is a good thing, but to me, it's not. It means I'm not as thin. And to me, that's bad. I have to get rid of the weight. I don't understand why this all bothers me so much if no one else sees me this way. Why can't I just accept the weight gain? This is pissing me off. I don't know what to do.

I should really be working on homework right now. That was the plan. Work on my English paper til 10:30, then leave and take the long way to church. It's now 10:23 and I haven't started working on my paper yet. Guess I should try working on it for a few minutes.

i'm surviving

Well I'm doing a little better. That is to say, I'm not going home crying every night. So that's a plus. I also met with Katie, my individual therapist while I'm at CS, for the first time yesterday. I really like her. I found out that they didn't start me on 2300 calories. They started me at 2000. But that was only for the first two days. I apparently have gained about 5 pounds. (I had a weight review today...I'm not sure if it was the wisest idea for me to do that...but at least I know I didn't gain any more than that.) I am now on 2600 and am very much not happy about that, but what can I do. I apparently get meal planning privileges tomorrow. Woohoo.

Okay well maybe I can update more later, but right now I really have to go to bed. I a exhausted and cannot keep my eyes open mfy longer. Sooo goodnight.

to be completely honest...

I don't know what I think about getting better, I really don't. Right now, personally, the only reason I am staying at CS is so I don't end up in the hospital or something. I mean, I don't want to die. But I don't want to gain weight, either. I want to be able to keep walking however long I want. I want to lose weight until I am satisfied with it. I know it's hell, but so is recovery. And right now, I prefer the hell of my eating disorder over the hell of recovery. Which is stupid. I don't understand it. I should want recovery. Recovery will bring me a better life, right? I can't get what I want if I don't get better, right? I don't know, maybe I don't really want it. Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell don't. I'm so confused. I think I need to call Dr. DiNiro at some point to sort this all out. Otherwise I feel like treatment will be pointless in the end. I mean yes, it has me eating. But I mean I feel like if I don't get this all sorted out, and I don't find Allison again, I'm just going to wind back up in treatment again. If I don't get Allison back, if I keep losing Allison, I'll be in treatment facilities for the rest of my life. I don't want that. I'm so fucking confused. I thought treatment was going to be easier once I started. It's so much harder than I thought it was going to be. I thought I just needed a little push, just needed to get eating again for a few days, and then I'd be on top of my game again. But it's not like that. I know I wouldn't be able to hold my own if I had been discharged today. It's not how I thought it was. Which is frustrating. I didn't think there would be so much of me that still wanted to hold onto my eating disorder. I thought it was just a food thing. I guess it really never is about food. Ever. I thought maybe it was this time. Just a difficulty getting myself to eat or something. A twisted mind thing about eating. But no, it really is the mental eating disorder shit. I didn't think I would still have to fight that. I thought it would just be a matter of getting back on track with the eating. How naiive. What an idiot. I don't understand why I feel the need to hold on to this eating disorder. What a stupid thing for me to hold on to. But I can't seem to let go. I can't seem to let go of the idea of being thin. Not just in other's eyes, but in my eyes. I should not care about that. But I do. A LOT. It bugs me that I care so much about being thin. That I can't just be okay with the way I am. But I can't remember the last time I didn't care about the way I looked. It's been a long time. Definitely before middle school. The drive to be thin has worsened over the years, that is for sure. This is all so messed up and confusing. I am ready to just throw the towel in on this whole thing.