i don't know what to think

conversation i had with lori last night:

Lori
how are doing with the decision making in taking care of yourself?

10:24pmAllison
not too great

10:25pmLori
you realize that i'm going to "confront" you on that - it is a decision that you have to make for yourself,

10:25pmAllison
yeah i know

10:26pmAllison
part of my problem is half the time i'm deliberately making the wrong choice, or i just don't care

10:27pmLori
so what are you going to do about it... tomorrow is a new day - recovery isn't like a switch.. you know that - it's doing the work even when we don't want to...

10:27pmAllison
i don't know

10:32pmLori
yes you do

10:34pmAllison
well i know some what i should do but i can't get myself to do it

10:35pmLori
then you ask for help -

10:36pmAllison
yeah but i don't really want it i dont think

10:37pmLori
then you acknowledge you don't want and ask for it any way - remember there is no more denial it is just avoidance and being stubborn

10:37pmAllison
i'm much more willing right now to get help for the eating disorder stuff than the cutting. i dont know why.

i feel like a little kid throwing a tantrum

10:39pmLori
so if you can't ask for help, then you need a higher level of care and if you can't get into well of grace, then the hospital is the place...

10:40pmAllison
no way

10:40pmLori
then do something about taking care of yourself.

10:47pmLori
so what's it going to be my dear - you can do this - i believe in you - you continue to show up, to open up, to listen(sometimes), and are taking steps forward - the clothes for example... so don't throw it away - you are doing it... take a deep breathe, wash your face, brush your teeth and climb into bed. you are worth being cared about and you know that we all do at OP... so trust in that - remember, when you can't believe trust in someone else, well we are the someone else... trust and your responsibility in that is to trust and move forward - even when you can't see it...

10:48pmAllison
ok

10:49pmLori
ok - good night my dear - now go breathe!

bleh

I feel like I am going to be stuck with this eating disorder forever. I hate that feeling. I know that just because I can't see the other side doesn't mean it isn't there, but that's still how I feel. And I don't like that feeling.

*sigh of relief*

I've got a new mentor. Her name is Andrea Roe. I think it will work out. She seems a little gentler and more encouraging. She had already been commenting on some things that I had posted on MentorCONNECT, which is part of why I asked her to be my mentor. I'm hoping it's going to work out well this time.

augh

I am so agitated and quite frankly angry. I know Fr. Gordon is busy, but it's been a week and a half since he said he would call me back in a half hour, and I have left several messages on his phone and I have heard nothing from him. I really need to speak with him. I hate it when people who say "call if you ever need to" and all that go MIA. It's pissing me off. I really want to talk to him!!

List of questions

Okay so I've been feeling all nervous and stuff about this whole Well of GRACE thing and second guessing myself and all that, a large part of which is because frankly I'm just scared, and partly because my dad is kinda skeptical about it and raised some questions and made me feel like I don't know diddly squat about this place and all that yahta yahta. So I talked to Lori today, and she suggested actually talking with the staff, and coming up with a list of questions and whatnot for them. So I started one and came up with some but I'm having trouble finishing it. Like, I've got more stuff but I can't put it into words for some reason. I'm going to put what I have so far, and if anyone thinks of any other good questions to add, let me know. K so here's the list.

What is the success rate?
What therapy techniques do you use?
What do you do if I get sick or have some medical problem?
Is my treatment team kept "in the loop" while I'm there?
How will you gauge my progress?
Is there a nutritionist?
How will I be prepared for the transition for WOG to the "real world"?
What kind of disciplinary measures are used?

eep

So I plan on telling my parents about Well of GRACE this week. Not 100% sure when yet. Gonna talk to Pam about it today, and if I don't tell them tonight I'll be getting Bruce's input on it tomorrow. I'm thinking though that I'll tell them Friday because I'm going to a friend's that evening and staying the night anyway so that might work nicely.

finally

I'm sending out the application to Well of GRACE Ministries today. I'm so nervous!

reasons 8-10, and other stuff

8. I don't want to keep living like this forever.
9. I have nothing to lose, only something to gain.
10. so i can help others

So I've decided I'm going to do Well of GRACE. Lady said that from the time they receive my application (which I'm still filling out) to when I would start there would probably be about a month. So I could be there in June. Scary.