this sucks

I really, really need more time in treatment. I'm am struggling horrendously on days I am not in treatment. And if I slip and have to be in treatment during the school year, I am most probably screwed for a year as far as the PTA program goes. I don't think I can do both. Like logistically, as far as scheduling goes. And I definitely wouldn't be able to schedule in tutoring on top of it. Yeah there's absolutely no way. So I'd be totally screwed. But I am having a hell of a time holding my own. I'm torn on even wanting to. Which is pretty damn fucked up. Because I really want the PTA stuff. But I can't seem to let go of the eating disorder. Which is ridiculous because I know it will only screw me over in the end. Not only does it plain screw up my life, but going back and forth between restricting and eating only raises my set point. So it's only going to end up in me weighing even more. And it will only end up screwing up my body. Who knows what kind of damage I've already done. There's no way I can do this outside of program. Once Katie gets her license and gets approved by the insurance, I'll be able to go back to seeing her, but that won't be until probably the fall. Even if I were going to be able to see her when I got out, I really don't think op, plus Lisa, plus support group is going to be enough. I know that sounds pessimistic but I'm just going by how I've been doing lately. And how strongly I am feeling pulled to go back to my eating disorder. I need more time. I want to be able to have done consistently well in program before I get discharged. And that hasn't really happened yet. I went for like a week and a half without symptoms. And that was while I was in program five days a week, not three. I need to be able to go longer than a week and a half. And I'm being discharged below my goal weight. Apparently I haven't even hit my range yet. And they always say you're more likely to relapse if you're discharged below your goal weight. And if my calories don't get lowered this week, I'll be discharged at 3,000 calories. There's no way I'm going to keep eating 3,000 calories. Definitely not without at least compensating in some way. I'm allowed three, slow, 10-minute walks a week now but still no exercise privileges. The 10 minute walks may help keep the edge off things, but I'm only allowed 3 a week. So it's not like I can do it whenever I feel anxious. Reading has been a good distraction, but unfortunately I'm a fast reader, so I go through books really fast and often finish the books I get out from the library before new ones come in. And I'm starting to run out of ideas for books to get out. (Suggestions are welcome.) I feel really helpless and really hopeless. I really don't know what to do about this.